Blank Canvas
All this time, all these years I have struggled. Struggled with depression, struggled with self-harm, and struggled to find who I really am. Through it all, I have come out on the other side twisted and marred. My mind doesn’t work the way it used to, and I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t pessimistic.
Sad thing is, the majority of my friends don’t really know who I am. If they did, they probably wouldn’t be my friends. I freak them out enough when I let stuff slip on occasion. One of my worst fears is seeing that look everytime I walk by.
I found out yesterday that my best friend isn’t rooming with me at college anymore, which really upset me. I wasn’t necessarily angry at HER, but I was really pissed off at the situation. She’s joining the navy, and while I respect that decision, I can’t respect that she led me on to believe I was going to have someone there. Someone there who knows what’s going on in my life, and who can be there for me.
Feeling really alone and vulnerable right now.
Roomates…the idea of them psychs me out. I can’t seem to wrap my head around sharing a room, or even just an apartment with 6+ girls all the time. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them? What if they ask about the scars? With Kylee, she would have already known…and it would have been easier.
Please help me…
What the heck am I supposed to do?!
I’m in crisis mode. And I’m depressed. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to eat. I’m bound and determined on scaring people after I lose ten pounds for this role I’m playing onstage, which probably isn’t healthy. I feel like I’m a blank canvas to the world to write its crap all over. Ever since Christmas I’ve been cutting a ton, sleeping as little as possible, and eating less and less.
How can I stop this downward spiral? How am I going to find myself again? How am I going to get through college without her?!
Help? Is anyone out there who cares?
This is a photo of my sister at age one and me at 5. This is the only picture I have where I am holding her.
She died a decade later after this photo taken. It shows the strength of a child who was born physically and mentally disable and her motivation to keep living. She never gave up till the day she died. She survived longer than the doctors predicted. Even on this day, she will always be the strength and courage my family needs to keep living.
She gave me something that no one could ever give me.
She kept battling what life thrown at her and she reminds me everyday I shouldn’t either.
I know there is a family out there that needs care and service for a child with disability.
I’m going to donate a penny for every reblog and like to the children with Microcephaly Foundation on March 18,2012 which is the day of her 17th birthday.
As much money as I can save goes to the foundation.
I also wanted this post to bring awareness and to remind everyone struggling with a love one who has microcephaly or is mental/physical disable know that they aren’t alone. I’m here if you want to talk.
So please reblog to help a child that suffers from a neurodevelopment disorder and the many families that struggle everyday.
Thank you.
idreamingray:this is truly beautiful! I believe the children with special needs are a gift to the earth. They teach us who we truly are. They are innocent and strong and holy. Thank you so much bipolarbear for this post! It helped keep me going this morning.
